Cullens on Wife Swap
by ThePurplePeopleEater
Summary: Alice and Emmett enter the family on Wife Swap. What will happen when they trade mothers for 2 weeks? Can't be anything good..
1. The Cullens Find Out

A/N. This is my first fanfic! Yay! Haha, I hope you like it! Please Read and Review!

Disclaimer: I own NOTHING!!

It was a cold, rainy day in Forks Washington. But that was nothing new. The noise of the family of vampires inside the large home could be heard from outside.

"Why would you two do this?" shouted a very angry Edward.

"I've seen nothing bad is going to happen," replied Alice. "And I thought that it'd be fun. We'd get to show off! You know I love doing that, Edward."

Edward sighed. "You know Carlisle is going to be furious." As if on queue, they heard Carlisle's Mercedes pull up the long drive way.

"Why am I going to be angry?" Carlisle said as he stepped through the door.

Edward sighed. "Here Read this, and then tell me why," He handed him a thick envelope.

_Carlisle _

It was a very, very long day at the office. I was so glad to finally be getting home to my beautiful Esme . As I pulled up our long driveway to the lovely home that Esme had designed, I heard a lot of commotion.

"Why would you two do this?" Edward yelled. Oh, lovely, what had they done now?

"I've seen nothing bad is going to happen," replied Alice. "And I thought that it'd be fun. We'd get to show off! You know I love doing that, Edward." You know, I don't even think I want to know.

Edward sighed. "You know Carlisle is going to be furious." So this did involve me? I walked up to the house and sighed. Do I really want to come home? Yes, I've got to. I slowly pulled open the door and stepped inside.

"Why am I going to be angry?" I asked, glancing around at the faces of my family. Edward looked worried. Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie had a grin plastered on their faces. Jasper, Jacob, Renesmee, and Bella were watching TV, and my lovely Esme was just staring at me with a look I couldn't quite recognize.

"Here Read this, and then tell me why," Edward handed me a large envelope. I pulled out the letter and read it aloud.

_Dear Cullen Family,_

_Congratulations! You've been accepted on the show, Wife Swap. We saw your video, and we would love to have you! Cameras will be coming to your home on June 26TH, so please make sure that you're prepared. Thank you for applying and I'll be seeing you all soon!_

What!? Why would they do this? We're **vampires**, for crying out loud!

"Whose idea?" I asked. Everybody looked at Emmett and Alice.

"Carlisle, nothing bad is going to happen," Alice replied, very confident. My tension eased, due to Jasper.

"Yeah, this could be a good experience for all of us! Wouldn't it be fun?" Rosalie smiled. Oh, how these girls loved showing off. I suppose it could be fun.

"I guess, but what about when we have to eat?" I asked.

"Well, we all could be anorexic, or vegetarians," Emmett replied.

"I am NOT anorexic! A man needs his meat!" Jacob yelled from the other room.

"Some man you are," Edward scoffed.

"I can hear you!" He yelled back.

"Enough. I suppose we could try it. What's the date?" I asked.

"The 24th." Edward replied.

"Alright, we'll pack Esme tonight, prepare the house tomorrow, and we should be set." This can't do any harm, right?

"What about our bedrooms? I can't just be like, 'oh yeah, I'm dating my adopted brother Emmett and we have sex every minute possible'." Rosalie said. "I don't want to be known as the incestuous hottie from Wife Swap."

"I guess that's a problem," Bella spoke up for the first time. "Well don't we have enough spare bedrooms? ROse, Alice, Renesmee, and I could move all of our stuff into the bedrooms on the second floor, and the boys could move up to the third floor." She suggested.

_Alice_

What? I'm not moving all of my stuff. Jasper can move his.

"Mine and Jasper's room is already on the second floor, so Jasper, move upstairs." Everybody ran to go move, which, at vampire speed, would not take long at all. Good thing we decided on the white walls for every body though. I thought back to the day Emmett came up with the idea…

_Edward, Bella, and Jasper were out hunting. Renesmee was at La Push with Jacob, Carlisle and Esme were on a vacation to Paris, leaving just me, Emmett, and Rosie at home. I was online shopping, and Emmett and Rosalie were making out. Ew._

"_Will you guys please stop and just watch some TV or something?" I asked. Sure, Rose was my best friend, and my favorite shopping partner, but I don't want to see her and Emmett suck face._

"_Sure," Emmett said, turning on the TV. Some TV show called Wife Swap was on. "I love this show! Wouldn't it be fun to be on?" And almost as expected, a little light bulb went off in Emmett's head. "Hey! We should! Alice, you could make the video, you're good at that! And can't you get Jasper to do his Carlisle impression?" I searched the future, and saw nothing going bad. It looked rather fun._

"_I guess so," Rose and I would have to do some serious shopping. _

Coming out of the memory, I heard Edward sigh.

"Alice, why? Don't you love me?" Edward asked.

"Um, no comment," I answered quickly and ran upstairs. I turned on my computer, and went to Neiman Marcus's website. This was going to be so fun!


	2. Summers Family Finds Out

**A/N. It was really hard to write for them, that's why the chapter's so short, but the next one will be longer. Please read and review! Thank you and I hope you like it! I'll take constructive criticism. **

**Disclaimer: I own NOTHING!**

_Summers Family: Heather's POV_

I walked to the small house that I called home as fast as my legs could manage. Ever since my husband, Greg, had signed us up for the TV show Wife Swap, I've been paranoid that we'd be accepted. And, just my luck, today when I was going through the mail, we got an acceptance letter. I didn't want to go to another family. They are probably bad!

"Zach, Madison, Trenton, get down here," I called upstairs as soon as I got to the house. My 3 perfect children came filing down the stairs.

"What do you want, Mom?" Zach asked.

"We got accepted on Wife Swap." Madison and Trenton smiled at the news, but Zach just turned around and went back upstairs.

"When are the cameras coming, mom?" Madison's pretty green eyes danced at the idea of being on national television.

"The 26th. 2 days! I don't want to do this!" I was horrified. My family, my perfect family. What if the new mother let them skip out on chores? That could tear this family apart.

"Every thing will be _fine,_ mother." Trenton assured me, before him and Madison turned and ran back up the stairs.

I walked over and sat on our small and much too old couch, pulling out my cell phone. I dialed Greg's number. He picked up on the 5th ring.

"_Hello?"_

"Hey, I just got the mail, and we're going to be on wife swap. The camera crew is coming in 2 days."

"_Oh. Well, we'll talk when I get home. See you. Love you."_

"I love you, too," I sighed, and hung up. This was going to be a long, stressful 2 weeks.


	3. Shopping trips to NYC

_Alice_

Yay! It's the day before we get our new mommy. Of course I'm going to miss Esme but… how often do you get the opportunity to annoy somebody outside of your family. Being a vampire… well let's just say the chances are slim. It's going to be so much fun freaking this new mom out!

Rosalie and I had made a last minute shopping trip to New York City. We had just left Barneys and were currently heading over to Sak's. Walking at a human pace took quite a bit of time. I did not want to ride in a dirty taxi though! Why do humans have to be so gosh darn slow? I just wanted to get home so Jasper and I could…

"Have you had any visions about the way the new mom operates? So I can, you know, plan my torture ahead." Rosalie interrupted my thoughts.

"Yeah, she is a Catholic woman, very strict, and she hates wasting money." She would definitely hate my family.

"You know, I changed my mind. I want to be dating Emmett publicly this week. We do it at school. Why can't we do it on national television? It's not like she can call child protection services; all of us that are couples are '18'. And what if this new mom is a total weirdo and hits on him?" Rosalie whined.

"I think you're right." I said as we walked into Saks. "Oohhh, look at this!" The CUTEST pair of Louboutins! Ah!

"I want them!" Rosalie exclaimed.

"We both can, silly. Helloo, you're talking to a Cullen."

_Rosalie_

I sat on the couch in the dressing room area while Alice tried on about everything in the store. I had already had my turn trying things on, and being critiqued by Alice. Now it was her turn to be critiqued by me.

_Bu_zz buzz.I heard my phone vibrate in my purse.

I pulled out my iPhone, with a text from Emmett.

_Emmett - Hey sexy lady :) when are you coming home?_

_**Soon. Just waiting for Alice to finish trying on clothes then were rollin.**_

_Emmett – I want to have monkey sex. I miss you._

_**Way to just put it out there babe, we will when I get home, I promise. I miss you too. I love you :) **_

_Emmett – I love you more _

I loved him. More than words could describe. Alice stepped out of the dressing room in the cutest outfit.

"I love that! Wear it tomorrow!" I yelled, getting weird looks from the other people in the dressing room. I just glared back at them.

"Alright. I just have to change into my clothes and off we go!"

She changed very quickly, and we exited the dressing rooms with piles and piles of clothes in our arms, leaving behind a hurricane of clothing that wasn't wanted.

We cashed out quickly. About two hours later, and 7 suitcases might I add, we were sitting on a plane at JFK, ready to take off. I pulled my phone out of my new YSL bag and texted Emmett.

_Plane is just leaving. Should be home soon. I love you._

_Esme_

Rule book? How do I write one of those? Should I say my children are together?

"Edward? Do you want to come help me with this? Or somebody at least?" I asked. I knew I didn't have to yell but it felt more human to do so.

"Yes, mom?" Edward said walking through the doorway to Carlisle's study. He came over and leaned onto the back of the chair that I was sitting in, gazing at the blank word document pulled up on Carlisle's iMac.

"What do I write?"

30 minutes later, and with a lot of help from Edward, my rules were complete.

_Emmett_

Rosalie got home about 6 a.m. For the past 4 and half hours, we had crazy monkey sex! Just the memory made me want to take her right now! But unfortunately for me, and her, we couldn't. The camera crew was to be here in less than an hour, and Rosie and I just stepped out of the shower.

"45 minutes?! How the hell am I going to get my hair done _and_ pick out an outfit. Will you go get some clothes for me?" With the look on her gorgeous face I couldn't refuse.

I walked into the closet and quickly got some clothes for me and got dressed. Now what do I get for Rose? Well these jeans could work. They're super tight and make her ass look so damn good. I layed them over my arm and looked for a shirt. Super low cut? Would she like that? Yeah. So would I. And 95% of America. Gosh she was so gorgeous. Back on track now Emmett… Get shirt. Fuck Rosalie. No. Never mind, that was later.

I picked out the blouse I'd gotten her from Victoria Secrets as one of her little Christmas presents. I figured she'd just wear a pair of the shoes she got last night.

I walked into the bathroom to see a completely naked Rosalie just finishing her hair. Oh damn. It was hard to hide the bulge in my pants.

"Here you go babe," I said throwing her clothes to her one piece at a time, all while staring at her chest. Thong … bra… jeans… shirt… I was saddened by the fact that she had to put clothes on, but we'd probably just do it later… and those pictures on my phone…

I was interrupted from my thoughts by Rose.

"If you don't stop thinking about me, your pants are going to rip." She smiled and glided her way over to me. I welcomed her into my strong arms and leaned my forehead down to hers.

"You look hot today," I grinned.

"So do you," She leaned forward to kiss me, and the kiss grew more passionate with every second.

"The camera crew is going to be here in exactly five minutes," Alice yelled to everybody. She reluctantly pulled away, just as I was about to stick my hands down her pants.

"I better go get some shoes and get downstairs," she said, getting out of my arms. I slapped her sexy ass as she walked to the closet and she giggled.

This is going to be a long day…


	4. Chapter 4

**[A/N: SO sorry I haven't updated in a couple months!! I've just been sooo busy lately!! But winter sports are over now at my school so I'll be able to udate much, much more often. ALSO* If anyone wants to be a beta reader and help me out, it'd be prettyyy awesome. So if you want to, then just let me know. Hope you enjoy :) Oh, and... I OWN NOTHING!]**

_Alice_

We waited downstairs for the camera crew to arrive. It was a little past noon, and we just wanted to get this new-mom-orientation thing overwith. Around 12:30, the crew pulled up to our house. We heard a woman get out of a car, and knock on her front door. I glided over to the door, pulling it open.

"Hi," I smiled, looking at her outfit. You have GOT to be kidding me! I thought Hillary Clinton ruined these woman-suits for all mankind! People really need a better fashion sense. She must of been confused, my face went from happy to disgusted in a millisecond. "It's nice to meet you, why don't you come in?" I offered.

"Sure. Listen, the crew should be here in a little while, getting shots of you and your family and your house. After that is when the new mom comes, and you guys need to not be here." She said as she shoved past me. Rude much?

Carlisle got up from where he was sitting and walked over to her.

"Hello, I'm Carlisle Cullen, and this is my family." He said, shaking her hand.

"'Sup?" Emmett yelled. Wow, if he does this now, imagine what he must be like for the new mom.

"My name is Carole Fletcher, I'm the manager for your family for the next two weeks." She smiled, obviously flirting with Carlisle.

"He's married," Rosalie glared.

"Well obviously, Rose. This show _is_ called Wife Swap." Emmett said stupidly. Rose smacked him in the back of the head.

"So..." Carole began but - thank the Lord- there was three loud raps on the door.

I threw the door open, as I was the closest. "Camera crew is here!" I yelled, pretending that I had to for Emmett to hear.

"So..." Carole began again. "That's your que to leave, you guys should come back around 5ish. K?" She said, and began talking to the guy with the large camera.

_Rosalie_

"What're we supposed to do for 3 more hours?" I asked Alice. We'd just finished some unneccesary hunting, being extra careful for the new mom. Don't want a repeat of Bella's 18th birthday, especially on national television.

"Let's drive to the mall," she suggested, and I agreed. Emmett was Carlisle, Edward, and Jasper, Jacob and Renesmee were at La Push until five, and Bella, me, and Alice were currently driving down the road.

"Can't we just... do something other than that?" Bella suggested.

"No, don't ruin our fun just because you don't like shopping." I said. She sighed from the back seat. This is going to be so FUN.

**A/N: Okay, okay, don't hate, please? I know it isn't long, and it isn't great. The next chapter is the new mom touring the Cullen house, and I'm going to work on it right after I post this. It's gonna be much better, I promise. Read & Review, please? :) Enjoy and don't forget, if you wanna be a beta reader or help or give me suggestions for later chapters, pleaaaaase do so.**


	5. Chapter 5

I sat in the back of the limo as we traveled along a dirt road that felt like it went on forever. Where exactly did these people live? It doesn't matter what kind of people these people are, because I'm positive that I can make them better people within the course of the next two weeks.

I very soon began to regret my prejudgments. I realized that the long dirt road we had been traveling on for the past ten minutes was not a road, but a driveway. A very long driveway, that led to the most beautiful house that I've ever seen. They must be rich.

I stared up in awe at the house as I exited the limo. It looked like something that you'd see in the countryside of Italy, not in Forks, Washington.

I walked slowly up the front steps and placed my hand on the knob. Realizing that I must look like a complete idiot, I recomposed my face and made a comment to the camera.

"They must be a bunch of spoiled little kids!" I said as I pulled open the door.

I didn't know that the inside could be anymore dazzling than the outside, but it was. I walked in, keeping my facial expressions composed, and began to look around. Every thing was brand new, and spotlessly white.

"Wow, their mom must be a clean-o-holic." I said to the camera. I walked into the living room, which happened to be the size of my whole house, and gasped at what I saw.

What was it that made me horrified?

Video games. Hundreds, if not thousands, of them. Every game imaginable. Every gaming _system_ ever made. My children are not allowed to play such games, and when it comes time for my rules, they'll have to go.

" They must be lazy people, to have that many games sitting around to play," I said.

I made my way, disgusted, out of the living room into what had to be the dining room and kitchen area. The table looked to be an antique, most likely hundreds of years old. It must have cost a fortune. Laying on it was my letter from the new mom. I picked it up and read it out loud.

_Dear New Mom:_

_My name is Esme Cullen. At a very young age I was told that I could not have children, so my husband, Carlisle, and I have adopted eight children, all teenagers._

_Edward is my first adopted son. He has been with us the longest, and he is seventeen years of age and a junior in high school. He is quiet and well behaved, spending most of his time in his bedroom playing his piano or listening to music._

_My next adopted child is Rosalie. She can come off as cold and rude, but you just really have to take the time to get to know her. She is eighteen years of age and a senior at the local high school. She likes to work on cars and shop with her sisters._

_The next in our family is Emmett. He is a large man, but don't let it scare you. He is the jokester of the family and likes to play pranks. He is eighteen and a senior as well. He and Rosalie are a couple. _

I gasped. "They let their children be together?" I exclaimed, and stared at the cameraman, puzzled. He motioned for me to go on, and feeling like an idiot for the second time today, I picked up the paper and began to read once more.

_Alice, our next adopted daughter, is an extreme shopaholic. She is seventeen and a junior. She may look like a pixie, but get on her bad side, and there is hell to be paid._

_Jasper is our next adopted son. He is eighteen and a senior. He comes off as shy, but when he gets with his brother Emmett, all hell breaks loose. They like to play pranks. He is into the Civil War, it's his obsession. He is dating Alice._

I gasped again. "_Another_ couple in this house? _And _he is into wars? What kind of family is this?" I trailed off. Not wanting to feel like an idiot, I picked the paper back up and began to read.

_The next daughter we adopted is Bella. She is seventeen and a junior. In her free time, she reads, or listens to Edward play his music. She is with Edward._

Realizing that this is obviously nothing new here, I rolled my eyes and continued.

_Jacob is a bit of a rebel. He doesn't get along well with anybody in the family other than Bella, Renesmee, and Edward a little bit. He is Native American, right from the local reservation. Don't get on his bad side, I'm warning you. He also doesn't like to wear shirts, for some reason I'll never know. He goes to high school with the rest of my children and is a junior. He may look older than he is, but he really is only seventeen._

_Renesmee is our lastly adopted child. She is actually a blood relative of Edward. She likes spending time with the whole family. She is currently sixteen, but she is a very advanced student, so she is a junior. She is dating Jacob. _

And just when I thought there would be atleast two people in this house that weren't together. This family is obviously messed up, and I am going to fix it.

_My average day consists mostly of cleaning up after the kids. Carlisle works at the hospital during the day, and I am a stay at home mother. I also enjoy gardening._

No wonder they're so rich. The father is a doctor. Figures.

_The children really do not have any set rules, they can come and go as they please. I try not to be too strict when laying down the rules. We do not have to eat together as a family, because all of my kids are usually somewhere doing totally different things than one another. Just don't let them fool you, because they can be very convincing. And make sure you tell Emmett not to break a thing. _

_I hope you enjoy the next two weeks with my family, and I hope they don't cause trouble for you. Best of luck!_

I set the paper down on the table.

"No rules? The children are all together? This is an extremely disfunctional family." I said to the camera as I walked back to the living room, to go up the stairs.

I was winded by the time I got up the massive flight of stairs. I opened the first door on the left.

The room was messy, obviously a boy's room. The walls were painted a dark shade of royal blue. I walked around. There were girl's underwear everywhere, which I'm assuming are his girlfriend's, whatever sister she may be. I noticed a picture frame on the desk and went to go look at it.

Picking it up, I realized that these are two of the most beautiful people I have ever seen. The girl had pretty long blonde hair, and a body that I would kill to have. She was wearing clothes that were no doubt in my mind designer. The boy was very buff, huge actually. He had very dark hair and was remarkably handsome.

"Wow. So that's what plastic surgery does to a person." I said to the camera as they zoomed in on the picture. I exited the room with out looking back, and went to the next room that was across the hallway. It was empty, and figuring that this must be where I am staying, I closed the door before I even entered.

"On to the next room," I muttered, walking towards the next door that I saw.

The door revealed the next lovely room in this house. The walls were the prettiest shade of violet that I've ever seen. The bedroom was picked up and well organized. There was a picture on her bedside table. A few actually. I picked one up. It was two girls, and I recognized the blonde one from the picture in the other room. The other one had short hair, and pixie like features. They looked to be most likely at a prom. I set it back down and looked up.

"These are all really beautiful looking people," I said to the camera. I noticed another door in the back corner of the room. I walked over to it and opened it. It was the nicest bathroom I've ever seen.

"Wow."

In one corner was a bathtub, the kind that you can fill up so full that it's over your head and has jets in it that massage your back. The other corner had a shower that was big enough for two, which was probably what they used it for. The counter was long, and took up almost the whole wall, along with the mirror. On the shelves surrounding was every beauty product under the sun. There was another door at the end of the counter.

"Another door? I swear, this house is all connected."

I opened the door, and got angry quickly. The closet was the biggest closet I've ever seen. I don't even think they have this much clothes in a department store.

"What a waste of money." I said as I looked at one of the tags on a shirt.

"Three hundred dollars?" I yelled. How could these people waste such money on ridiculous items? Still angry, I stormed my way past the camera crew, out the closet door, out the bathroom door, then finally out the bedroom door and into the hallway. There was another massive flight of stairs, and that's when I began to question how big this house truly is.

"It's like a castle in here. I'm probably going to get lost." I laughed to myself as I climbed the stairs.

The third floor of the house had only two bedroom doors, much like the floor below, but still had a massive hallway. I opened the first door near me, on the right.

This bedroom's walls were covered in shelves and shelves of CD's, and an expensive looking stereo system in the middle. There was a grand piano in the corner, and a large bed to the left of me.

I decided on skipping opening the door on the opposite wall of me, figuring that it's probably going to be just like the last room, and I'm going to get angry again. The picture frame on the table beside the bed showed a beautiful girl with long brown hair, and the most gorgeous boy I've ever layed eyes on. They were both dressed in formal attire, the girl in a gown and the boy in a tuxedo. They had to be at prom. Feeling like a pedofile, and becoming a little jealous of the girl who got to be with that boy, I set the photo down and walked to the room that was next down the hall.

Opening the door, I could tell that the person who stayed in here loved to read. There were books _everywhere_. Hundreds of them. Atleast they decided to do something valuable with their time.

I looked on one of the more empty shelves, and the sight was extremely disturbing.

I held up the lube, and opened condoms, and showed them to the camera. "So they let their children have sex?" I asked for the camera's benefit, shaking my head in disgust. I threw them back down and walked out of the room.

At the end of the hallway there was another staircase. It must have led to a different part of the house, because there was not a staircase in this direction coming from the floor below.

"This house just goes every where, it's huge!" I said as I walked down it.

As I got to the bottom step I realized that this was the second floor, but a different part of the house. There were two bedroom doors, as there was in every hallway of the house.

"The couples must have their own floors."

I opened up the first bedroom door, and gasped. There were Confederate flags on the wall, and a Civil War gun in a glass case. This has to be the kid who is obsessed with the Civil War. The room was neat and organzied, but I took no time to look around completely.

The next door revealed a mess. Mounds of clothes were piled everywhere, shoes thrown all over. The clothes were similar to that of which I saw in the other girls room.

There was another staircase at the end of this hallway too. I went down it swiftly, and much to my relief, it led to the kitchen. I sighed heavily, and walked into the dining room. There was another staircase, probably leading to the last two children.

"This house has a very complicated design." I said as I walked up the stairs. Sure enough, two more bedrooms awaited.

I opened the first one, and it wasnt as decorated as the others. Just a massive TV, with tons of video games, and a refrigerator. This kid must like to eat.

"Who keeps a refrigerator in their bedroom? Seriously..." I rolled my eyes as I walked to the last room that I had to look at. Yes, I'm not going to deny that the rooms awed me at first, but these people are now getting on my nerves. How much can one have?

I opened the next room, and it was surprisingly normal. The walls were pink, there were shelves with books, a desk, and a computer. The picture frame on the desk had a picture of a beautiful girl, who looked much like the gorgeous boy, and somebody who was obviously Native American.

I walked out, and right as I got down the stairs, the new family came in. Oh I just can't wait to meet them..

[**A/N: Sorry if this chapter was boring with all of the insignifcant details about their bedrooms. Okay, about the condom and lube thing, Emmett planted that in Bella's room for the new mom to find. And sorry if the layout of the house is a little confusing. Don't forget to review and rate :) and it'd be nice for someone to help me out. Sort of in a writers block right now.]**


	6. AUTHOR'S UPDATE!

AUTHOR'S NOTE!

Oh. My. God.

I'm so, so, so sorry times a billion.

I haven't updated in over a year.

But hey, guess what? I've improved my writing skills, and gotten new ideas for this story… so yeah, that means updates

I still would like it if after each chapter you reviewed and suggested ideas or your opinions? I don't know.

But I got a few ideas on how I wanna finish CoWS. (Yes, I shortened _Cullens on Wife Swap_ to COWS.)

So with that in mind… be expecting updates this week

Oh, & I really do apologize for not updating. I feel awful about it and I at least owe it to you guys who review and read this to finish it.

So chin up, sunshine, and look forward to the next chapter in a few days! :D


	7. Chapter 6

**I told you I was going to update! & also again with the apologizing for not updating. I moved to my reservation to live with my dad for the past year and this story was completely forgotten about. Mostly because I had writers block before I moved… making me forget completely.**

**But anyway…here it is! :) Definitely not my best, but I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things. I hope you enjoy!**

_Esme_

Last night, the executives from the offices of the TV show Wife Swap flew me all of the way out here to Toms River, New Jersey, literally across the country, where I would unfortunately be residing for the next few weeks.

I got in the limousine, wondering how the "replacement mother" felt about my home if she had already seen it, and I was also curious to know if my children were behaving.

And the answer to that in my mind was no, of course. I didn't need anyone to tell me that they were probably back-talking right at this very moment. I knew that they were going to end up pulling a prank by setting some wild animal loose in the house, or creep out the new mom by being their perverted selves. As much as I warned them not to – mostly Emmett – it was inevitable. And I was okay with that. I was pretty much immune to most of their pranks by now, except the one time with the spider...

We finally pulled up a short, gravel driveway to a cute, however slightly rundown, home that a lower-middle class citizen would own. Stepping out of the limo, I had a camera shoved right in my face, which made me incredibly uncomfortable, but I tried to ignore it. I walked up the concrete front steps and opened the front door. Once inside, I began to take in my surroundings.

"Well this is… nice," I said, glancing at the Holy Bible on the table, the nonexistent TV, and the crosses that hung on the wall. These people were definitely a religious family. Religion wasn't exactly bad, but the children of said religious people probably weren't allowed to do much of anything, because that's how most stereotypical religious folks are.

The cameraman followed close behind as I made my way into the next room, which happened to be the kitchen/dining room area. It was very tidy; however the countertops were a pea-green, colored as if it were still 1972. I noticed a letter, which was probably a description of the family, strategically placed on the dining table, so I picked it up and began to read it aloud for the benefit of the camera.

_Dear New Mom-_

_I should probably start this off by saying welcome! I hope you enjoy my home, the people in it, and all that it has to offer. I have three children- Madison, Trenton, and Zach._

_Madison is my youngest daughter, aged nine years old. She participates in various activities, including Sunday school, volunteering whenever possible, soccer, and horseback riding lessons once a week._

_Trenton is my middle child, at the age of 14. He enjoys playing football, and volunteering at our local church._

_Zach, my eldest, aged 19, can be a handful, as he rejects our Catholic ways. We try to make him go to church as often as possible, and he also volunteers to read to the blind every Thursday. He is a freshman at our local community college._

_Our family, if you've failed to notice by now, is very Catholic. We do not allow our children to watch TV, as we firmly believe that it rots a child's bright mind, and could unintentionally teach our children blasphemous ways. The only TV in the whole house is located in our bedroom. We also do not allow them to use computers to simply 'surf the web'. This could possibly lead to satanic thoughts. If they need a computer to use for school, there is one in the den downstairs, and their actions on the internet must be monitored to make sure they're not doing anything that they shouldn't._

"These kids really sound like they're on a shortened leash. This is definitely going to change once it comes time for rule change. Kids need to be kids," I said, appalled that an adult was trying to control so much of a child's life and mould them into a perfect little adult. Newsflash; they're just going to act out even more if you restrict them.

_The kids must be in bed by 9:00, and awoken at 7:00 each morning, weekends included. We eat dinner together every night. I hope you enjoy your stay in my family's wonderful home!_

"Completely ridiculous," I said, rolling my eyes, setting the letter back down, and standing up to go explore the rest of the house. I walked out back through the living room and up the flight of carpeted stairs, entering the first room which happened to be on the left.

The door revealed a room painted a light pink, so I assumed it to be the youngest daughter, Madison's. The bed was perfectly made, the carpet was a spotless white, and the whole room was just impeccably clean. There weren't pictures on the desk, no signs that anyone actually inhabited this room. It looked almost like a showroom for IKEA.

"Wow… isn't this… clean?" I said aloud for the camera's benefit.

I exited the room and went to the next room. This one had to be a boy's room, but judging by the two twin beds in there, I'm assuming the sons –Zach and Trenton- shared this room.

"A 14 year old and a 19 year old have to share a room?" I asked aloud to no one in particular. This room was just as clean as the last. "Are they not allowed to have a life?"

I exited and looked around the rest of the house, which wasn't much- only the garage, and the room where I would be sleeping- and made my way down the stairs as the new family pulled up the driveway.

Fantastic.

**Okay.. That's it. I'm sorry; I know it could've been longer. **

**I've been thinking about a new story, however.**

**With *drum roll please* **

**BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG!**

**TRE COOL!**

**AND A CHARACTER FROM MY OWN IMAGINATION!**

**Alright. I know the last one didn't deserve to be all caps. But I've been writing it and putting bits of it together, and these chapters are like… 4,000 words a piece. I'm really digging it and I might post it on here, who knows.**

**I hope you enjoyed this first update of many- even though it was short & horrible. Like always, read, review and whatnot. **

**I'm off to go kill a ginormous spider that's been staring me down the whole time I've been writing this.**


End file.
